If you love the original Star Warstrilogy, you probably love Han Solo. He’s handsome, dashing, heroic, funny, and a little irreverant. All good things, right?
Wrong. Your big hero is the luckiest idiot in the Star Warsuniverse. Let’s put it this way, inStar Wars Episode IV: A New HopeObi Wan Kenobi says “Who’s the more foolish, the fool or the fool who follows him?” Well, guess what? The fool who follows him is Han Solo. Here’s why Han Solo is a dumbass:
#1. He doesn’t pay his bills
Whether or not Han Solo “dropped his shipments at the first sign of an Imperial Cruiser” or not, the fact is, the dude repeatedly put himself into dangerous situations simply because he was short a few bucks to pay off Jabba the Hutt. Of course, after he gets his money near the end of Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope, he leaves to pay his bills. OH WAIT- he turns around, and helps Luke blow up the Death Star. Then he goes off to pay off his bills. OH WAIT- no, he actually decides that it’s more important right now to take part in a huge military ceremony where his is given a medal in front of a cheering crowd, and wink at the hot princess while he’s at it. Then he pays off his bills. OH WAIT, no he doesn’t- now he decides that since he’s a big shot now, it’s a good idea to go to Hoth with the Rebels. And can you blame Jabba for being a little upset at this? I mean, what’s he supposed to say “Oh, no problem that you’re a little late on these payments, I mean, why should you be on time? You’re only famous for having the fastest ship in the galaxy.”
#2. He never wants to know the odds.
“Never tell me the odds,” Han Solo screams at C3-PO, as he flies headfirst into an asteroid field, an asinine move if ever there was one. Why would you not want to know the odds? Yes, that would be a great way to make decisions, by ignoring the percentages of success and failure that are readily available on demand by a walking British supercomputer. You show me a space pirate who doesn’t want to know the odds, I’ll show you Jabba The Hutt’s favorite wall decoration.
#3.He’s got a big mouth.
In Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi, a blind Han Solo is being shuttled out to a pit in the desert to be executed by Jabba the Hutt for entirely logical and avoidable reasons (See #1.) He is accompanied by Chewbacca, who is in chains, and Luke Skywalker, who he provides moral support too by quipping “you’re going to die here, you know.” Hey, thanks for nice words, jackass. The woman he ostensibly loves is being held captive by his former creditor, and when he is given the opportunity to petition Jabba for his life, knowing that she is also his prisoner, and this is what he chooses to say: “You tell that slimy piece of worm-ridden filth, he’ll get no such pleasure from us.” Well, that was constructive. Nice job, idiot.
#4. He does two nice things for his friend, and never lets him forget it.
Han Solo saves Luke’s life by returning to the Death Star and shooting some tie fighters at the end of Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope. Of course it could be argued that Luke actually saves Han’s life back, by destroying the Death Star and all of the imperial firepower onboard, or that by preserving the finances of Princess Leia, he secures Han’s financial future, saving his life again, but according to Han Solo math, he’s the one who’s owed something. InStar Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back, Han saves Luke from from freezing to death. And how does Han respond to that? “That’s two you owe me Junior.” Really? Luke owes you two now? Did you ever thank him for your new career? How about the fact that he hooked you up with his sister?
#5. After someone else does everything, he takes all the credit, and all the reward.
At the end of Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope, when they are celebrating the destruction of the Death Star, Han Solo actually says ” I couldn’t let you take all the credit, and all the reward.” You know who was less psyched about Solo’s reward? The grieving widow ofPorkins. “Oh, I’m glad you had a little change of heart, woulda been nice if that happened sometime before my husband, who volunteered for this, by the way, burst into flames. Oh sure, take some MORE money. That’s fine. I’ll just be over here, raising my obese children alone in poverty.” This pattern continues in Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi after Solo’s ground assault on the shield generator was a total failure, despite the fact that he had a marine commando unit with him carrying the latest in laser weaponry, along with a friggin’ Jedi knight. Then, when victory is snatched from the jaws of defeat, thanks to the participation of the Ewoks, who he hated, and were killed in droves, guess who’s the center of attention at the victory party?
